


You Make Me Feel Like I Am Whole Again

by Squatta



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alive Marco Bott, Disfigurement, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-12
Packaged: 2018-01-12 02:04:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1180618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squatta/pseuds/Squatta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco is found critically injured after the breach of Wall Rose, but is found in the aftermath and miraculously pulls through. Although he survives, his body is left disfigured. Jean can't help but stay by Marco's side as he recovers. Jean x Marco.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Make Me Feel Like I Am Whole Again

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted on my FF.net account on 9/6/13

'I'm dead, right? This is the end. I didn't want to die yet, there was so much more I wanted to do. I was so close to getting into the inner walls to serve by the king, too. All my work I did to make it into the top of the class and it all ends here, huh?

That sucks.

Ah, my mom is going to be so upset. Damn, I don't want her to cry.

I'm going to miss my friends. Especially the ones I made during training. Eren, Bertholdt, Reiner, Sasha, Connie, Annie, Mikasa, Armin, Ymir, Christa, …Jean.

I'm going to miss Jean the most… I was really looking forward to being in the Military Police with him. I really… Really want to see Jean again.

I can't think about that now, I shouldn't have any regrets as I'm dying, right?

But why is nothing happening? Isn't there something that should happen when you die? It just feels like I'm dreaming. I don't see anything. Is this how it's just going to be… forever?

I don't want it to be like this…

I want to wake up!

I don't want to die…'

"Marco…!" Jean shouted in a breathless voice, his eyes widening.

Marco had moved, if only a little, for the first time in days.

Marco had been lying in an infirmary bed since he was discovered after the breach of Wall Rose, not responding to anything no matter what. He was still breathing but nothing anyone could do could get him out of his coma-like state. Things were looking bad, especially with the state of how mangled his body had become. About a third of his face was torn off, and on that side of his body, his arm and shoulder seemed to have been completely bitten off. Honestly, it was a miracle that he was still alive. The only thing doctors figured that saved him was that he went into shock immediately before the bite and therefore didn't experience any pain – causing him to go into somewhat of a sedative state. If Marco had been fully awake at the time of the attack, he probably wouldn't have survived. There was also the fact that miraculously, his brain was missed entirely.

It was, however, a mystery as to how he sustained those injuries yet wasn't fully eaten. It was suspected that the titan Marco was attacked by was taken down right after he was bitten. The titan was most likely a straggler after the wall had been plugged up. Therefore, not many titans would've been around to scrounge on his body, as they were quickly taken care of after they stopped coming through the hole in the wall.

Jean felt fear like he never had before when he found out Marco's body was discovered during the sweep for survivors. Hearing that Marco was alive but in critical condition with little chance of survival made Jean's heart drop and almost felt sick to his stomach. He wasn't allowed to see Marco until he was completely stitched and bandaged up and it came as a relief to know that Marco was still fighting for his life.

Every day, for as long as he could, Jean stayed by Marco's side. He ate all his meals by Marco's bed and often had to be woken up after falling asleep to go to his barracks for the night. Jean wasn't sure why, but he felt he needed to be there for Marco. Marco, of course, was one of his closest friends in the squad but it wasn't really necessary to spend most of his time being next to him. The nurses and doctors were doing the best they could and all Jean had to do was check up on him a few minutes a day. But as soon as Jean saw Marco looking beyond recognition, wrapped up in gauze, he couldn't leave him.

Today was probably the fourth day Marco had been unconscious and it was the first time Marco had moved. It was only a little, but Jean could've sworn he heard Marco make a faint noise as well.

"Marco! Marco, say something," Jean pleaded, holding on to Marco's remaining hand and squeezing it tight.

Even if Marco was actually trying to say something, it wouldn't be possible to tell what he was saying. A good chunk of his mouth was missing.

"Marco, please wake up," Jean's voice cracked and his eyes started to water.

It didn't seem like Marco was going to do anything. Maybe it was all in Jean's head and it was his false hope that made him believe that Marco was somehow finally responding. Jean was getting ready to think that it might've just been his delusions and loosened his hold on Marco's hand. Only a few moments later, Jean felt Marco give a weak grip.

"Marco!" He shot up again, looking down at Marco's face.

Jean heard a small mumble. He knew it this time, he wasn't imagining it.

"What is all this noise!?" A nurse rushed in since she had heard Jean shout a couple times.

Jean spun his head around, "He-He's awake," he said through eyes brimming with tears.

The nurse's face filled with shock as she rushed over to Marco's bed.

"Marco, dear, can you try to say something? Or move your arm, anything?" The nurse asked in a kind voice.

Marco didn't do anything for a moment but then made another barely audible groan.

"Oh my," the nurse looked shocked and put a hand over her mouth. "I'm going to get the doctor," she said in a rushed voice and dashed out of the room.

* * *

"Hey, how are you doing today?" Jean walked into the infirmary unit Marco was staying in like he did every day.

Marco gave a weak smile and a nod. Jean sat down next to the bed and started telling Marco about his day.

Ever since Marco had come to a week ago, Jean still came to see Marco every day. The doctor was astonished to see that Marco pulled through and his treatment continued. It was unknown how long exactly Marco would have to stay under doctor's care but it was at least until Marco's wounds fully healed. He would probably have to go through a lot of physical therapy. His legs were not bitten but he broke several bones from the fall. The eyesight in his remaining eye seemed to be alright. Even though part of his mouth was bitten off, luckily his tongue was saved.

This is why the doctor encouraged Jean to come see Marco every day; not only would it be good for Marco to have a friend around but it would help Marco to learn how to speak with his disfiguration. Jean would've come anyway. Jean had filled Marco in with everything that had happened since the day he was attacked. Marco was relieved to hear that the plan to plug up the hole in in the gate was a success. Jean also told Marco about how Eren was put on trial and that he was now under the control of the Scouting Legion. Every day seemed like something new was happening.

Ever since almost losing Marco, Jean felt a lot differently about life. He wondered what would've happened if he had lost Marco and it scared him. Jean lost a lot of people already during the wall breach but if he had lost Marco too… he didn't want to think about it. Jean was grateful to still be able to talk and speak with Marco. He was happy to see Marco smile even though he'd never look the same again.

Marco would attempt to say a few words but had difficulty saying some things so he always had a pad of paper and a pencil to write if he had a hard time speaking. Marco even joked one time that he felt lucky that he was left-handed. Jean was never as happy to have his name as he did now, because one thing Marco seemed to be able to pronounce pretty well was 'Jean'.

"Actually, I'm starting to rethink joining the Military Police…" Jean said after a while of talking.

Marco gave a curious look.

"It's just… Those titans scared the living hell out of me. I was so scared I thought it really was the end, but…" he paused, "Now more than ever I want to do something about it. I want to destroy them…"

Jean gripped the sheets on Marco's bed and looked down with a scowl of anger. Marco picked up his notepad and started writing, tapping Jean's hand after he was finished.

'You sound like Eren now.'

"N-No I do not!" Jean protested and Marco gave a weak laugh.

Marco flipped to another page and started writing again.

'I think you can do it. Whether it's the Military Police or the Scouting Legion, I believe in you.'

"Thanks," Jean smiled and grabbed Marco's hand, giving it a squeeze.

Jean felt oddly happy with Marco. So happy it was kind of scary. Did he ever feel like this with Marco before this incident? Or was it this incident that made him realize how important Marco was to him? Either way, he wouldn't trade his time spent with Marco for anything.

Jean set his head down on the bed, still holding on to Marco's hand.

"What will you do next? I wonder…" Jean mumbled out loud.

"Jean…" a weak voice sounded from behind him and Jean lifted up his head.

Marco released his hand from his grip and started writing on the notepad again.

'Please don't worry about me.'

"How could I not worry about you?" Jean said as if that was a ridiculous thing to be saying.

Marco started writing again.

'I want you to live your life how you want to. I will figure something out, I believe I can. I just want you to be happy without regrets.'

Jean remained silent for a moment after reading what Marco wrote.

"What'll make me happy is knowing that you're happy…" Jean muttered in a low tone, he could feel his face start to heat up.

Marco gave a surprised look and his face blushed a bit.

At that moment, a bell sounded, signaling dinner and the time to turn in for the evening.

"Ah, I have to go, I guess," Jean stood up and tried to act as if he hadn't said anything strange. "I'll be back tomorrow at the same time, alright?" Jean waved and turned to walk out of the room.

"Jean…" he heard Marco's weak voice call him.

He halted and turned to face Marco again.

"…Thank… you…"

Jean stood speechless on the spot, not sure how to respond. He ended up just giving a reassuring nod before walking out of the room. He walked over to the mess hall, thinking about their conversation along the way.

Later that night, Jean had difficulty falling asleep. All he could think about was Marco. It was a strange feeling that he had never felt before. He wondered if he would be having this feeling if Marco hadn't been put in a life threatening situation. Even Mikasa who had been the center of Jean's attention seemed to not interest him as much anymore. Sure, she was still as beautiful as ever, but Jean's thoughts were all spent on Marco now.

* * *

Even though their parting the previous day was a bit awkward, Jean came to visit the next day at his usual time. By now he just walked into the building and headed straight to Marco's room but this time he was stopped.

"Oh, Jean you can't go in quiet yet. They're in the process of changing Marco's bandages," one of the nurses came up next to him.

"They usually don't change his bandages at this time… When will they be done?" Jean asked.

"It'll be a few minutes. Marco seemed to have been in more pain than usual so the doctor went in to examine him. Since his bandages had to be removed anyway we proceeded with changing them early," she explained.

"O-Oh, is he alright?" Jean had a visibly worried look on his face.

"Yes, we think he'll be ok. Honestly, I'm not sure how he does it every day… He must constantly be in pain but today it got a lot worse. I suppose that means he could be healing but it must be agonizing," the nurse made a slight frown.

Jean never really thought about the pain Marco must be feeling, especially since every day he went to see him Marco seemed to be doing fine. Was Marco just putting up an act whenever he came to visit? Did Marco not want to seem weak in front of Jean?

Jean tightened his hands into fists and his eyebrows furrowed as he looked away from the nurse.

"Are you alright?" She spoke up.

"Yeah… I'm fine… I'll just wait over here," Jean said and walked towards a bench by the room.

Jean waited for about ten minutes until the doctor and a nurse walked out of Marco's room. He got up to see if he was allowed to go in. The doctor seemed to hesitate but decided it was alright for Jean to go in as long as he let Marco rest if he was tired.

Jean quietly opened the door to the room and saw Marco lying on his bed with fresh bandages and his eye closed. He made his way to the bedside and pulled up the chair he always sat on. Marco seemed to have noticed a presence in the room and opened his eye.

"Jean," Marco said quietly as Jean sat down.

"Hey, sorry I know you just got your bandages changed and you're probably exhausted," Jean replied in a soft voice.

Marco smiled faintly, "It's… okay…" he struggled to say.

"Ah, you don't have to speak at all today if it's too much," Jean seemed a little more worried than usual after thinking about the pain Marco probably had at this moment.

Marco was probably in incredible pain and yet he still tried to smile for Jean.

"Marco… how much does it hurt?" Jean asked.

Marco just gave a worried expression. Jean wondered if he'd be in the right condition to use his notepad but decided to grab it off the table next to the bed anyway and handed it to Marco.

'I'm fine.'

"That's a lie…" Jean actually felt kind of angry. Why didn't Marco feel comfortable letting Jean know if it hurt – that Marco probably felt pain all day? Why didn't he want to show Jean his weakness?

Marco noticed Jean's subtle expression he was making and started writing again.

'I don't want to worry you.'

"Why? Why can't I worry about you? You're my best friend Marco; of course I'm going to worry…" Jean looked at Marco's face, "I want you to be able to tell me anything."

Marco's face softened.

'It hurts a lot. But there are times when it's not so bad.'

Jean read what Marco wrote and gave a half smirk, "Thank you for telling me, I wish there was something that I could do."

'When you visit me I feel a lot better.'

Jean looked up from the notepad to see Marco looking off to the side and a slight blush on his face. Jean reached out his hand to touch the side of Marco's face which caused him to jump.

"S-Sorry…" Jean stuttered but continued to lightly stroke the undamaged part of Marco's face.

Marco didn't seem to protest and allowed Jean to continue to touch him. Marco leaned his head onto Jean's hand that had moved behind his ear.

"Marco…" Jean said quietly, putting his hand back down to his side. "I'm joining the Scouting Legion."

Marco sat up and grabbed the notepad and pencil.

'That's great! I figured you would. I can't say I won't be worried about you, though.'

Jean let out a laugh, "I'm worried about myself too. But I feel like I need to do this now."

Marco gave one of his attempted smiles and patted Jean's hand.

"I'll still come see you as much as I can even though I'm not sure how often it'll be," Jean made a slight frown.

"I'll… be okay," Marco said in a slight slur.

"I told you that you didn't have to talk today," Jean lightly scolded but Marco just let out a weak chuckle. "This really might be the last time I talk to you for a while though," Jean looked at Marco with a sad look on his face.

It was going to be hard to not see Marco after seeing him every day. Honestly, the thing that Jean looked forward to the most was seeing Marco.

"It's alright, I'll wait for you," Marco said in a soft voice.

"Marco, I-" before Jean got to finish his sentence the bell for dinner rang.

Jean didn't bother to finish what he was going to say, in fact he wasn't really sure what he  _was_  about to say. He bid Marco farewell with a stern pat on the shoulder and a promise to return; this would be the last of his daily visits for a while. Later that night was the important decision all the trainees had to make – to choose which branch of the military they were to join. Jean had told Marco that he changed his mind to join the Scouting Legion but could he really do it? He really had to find his resolve.

* * *

Even after second guessing and doubting himself, Jean was officially part of the Scouting Legion. Since joining, there was heavy training and debriefing on the upcoming 57th expedition outside of the walls. As he thought, there was no time to visit Marco during his debriefing about the Scouting Legion and the expedition. But Jean felt he absolutely had to see him the night before the he went outside the walls.

Being away from Marco actually allowed Jean to think on how exactly he felt for him. Marco made him happy, he longed to see him, he wanted to protect him, he wanted to be with him… and Jean realized that he probably loved him more than a friend. Coming to that realization took a toll on Jean that he didn't expect and lost a night's sleep because of it. He, of course, regretted it the next day when there was strenuous training and a long lecture of the formation they would take during the expedition.

Jean thought if there was anyone he was going to fall in love with it'd be Mikasa. She was beautiful, strong, and brave. But Jean just never felt his heart skip a beat for her like when he was with Marco. Even though Marco was also a guy, he felt his heart race when he thought about him. Maybe it took Marco's near death experience for him to realize that he really had these feelings. Jean wanted to make sure this all wasn't just a misunderstanding so he had to see Marco before setting off the next day – because this first expedition could very well be his last.

Jean was granted permission to visit Marco since their day before the expedition was for the squad to rest anyway. Marco was still at the infirmary building but apparently he was now able to leave his room as long as he was assisted and had a crutch. Jean asked one of the nurses where Marco was when he arrived and she told him that he was out by the garden not too far from the building – a place he seemed to go quite often just to sit by himself.

Jean made his way around the building to the garden and found Marco sitting on a bench. Jean walked up quietly as to not disturb him, but then again he didn't want to scare him either so he made an effort to clear his throat when Marco was in earshot (of course, making sure to be on the side he could hear).

Marco turned around to see what the noise was and made eye contact with Jean. His face immediately seemed to start to glow and a warm smile spread across his face as he made an effort to stand himself up.

"Jean!" his voice seemed to be a lot stronger.

"D-Don't get up! It must be hard for you…" Jean rushed over to help steady Marco.

Marco gave a light chuckle, "You're still worried about me…" Marco's speech seemed to still need a bit more work but it was obvious that he was starting to get used to it.

"I don't think that's going to change…" Jean replied, assisting Marco back down on the bench and taking a seat next to him.

"I'm so glad… to see you. How is… the Scouting Legion?" Marco asked in a slow, steady voice.

"It's great. It's a lot of hard work but I think I made the right choice in joining. Although, my first expedition is tomorrow and honestly I'm scared to death," Jean scratched the back of his neck in nervousness.

"I heard… about it," Marco said and set his hand on Jean's knee. "I know… you will come back," he smiled.

Jean smiled back and looked over to Marco, "Yeah, I will, and I'll come see you as soon as I can afterwards," he placed his hand on Marco's and gave it a squeeze.

Jean paused for a moment before speaking again, "Actually, I needed to see you before I went… It's something I need to tell you before I go tomorrow," Jean could feel his pulse rise, "Marco I… to me you're…" he stuttered, not quite finding the words he had rehearsed over and over in his head. "Y-You're special to me…"

Marco's face started to turn slightly red. Jean clutched onto Marco's hand tighter.

"I really… Like you…" Jean's face was burning up; he avoided looking over at Marco and instead focused his eyes on a rose bush in front of him.

"I like… Jean too," Marco said quietly in response.

"No, I meant, I  _like_  you, Marco…" Jean tensed up and he probably never stared so intently at a rose before in his life.

"…Jean," Marco said and it seemed to have caused Jean to avert his attention from the bush. Marco had a solemn look on his face. "You like me… even with my face… my body… like this?"

"Of course," Jean responded almost instantaneously, "I never once thought that you being like that would be a burden."

Marco looked downward and off to the side. Jean released his grip from Marco's hand reached out to touch the side of Marco's face.

"I don't care what you look like or what kind of problems you might have. All I know is how I feel about you," Jean had more resolve in his voice. "This might be kind of selfish of me since there's still a chance I might not be coming back after tomorrow… But I had to say it. I know you may not feel the same way about me, but if I didn't tell you now I'm not sure if I'd ever have a chance to. That day when you were found and no one was sure you were going to live, I was so scared… I didn't want to lose you, and that made me realize how important to me you were."

Jean felt a large amount of pressure lift off of him with every word he said. He hung his head trying to hide his embarrassed face. Marco wasn't saying a word and it was a bit worrying. A few agonizing moments passed until Jean heard a sniffle. He looked up to see Marco's face tensed and a tear rolling down his face. Marco quickly wiped away at his face soon as Jean looked up.

"I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you… Please just forget about…" Jean said, feeling like a total jerk. Maybe he shouldn't have said all of this to Marco, especially right before an expedition and when Marco was still trying to recover. Plus, it was a guy confessing to another guy – it had to be kind of shocking to him.

"No, I'm fine…" Marco mumbled and sniffled once again. "I'm just… happy," he said with a tearful smile.

"Huh?" Jean said with a surprised look on his face.

"I… like Jean too. The way… you like me…" Marco looked at Jean and his smile widened.

"…Really?" It took a second for Jean to process what he had just heard.

Marco nodded his head. Jean couldn't help but return a smile.

"For a while I have. I just… kept it to myself…" Marco made a bashful expression. "So… you have to come back… after your first expedition," Marco set his hand on Jean's shoulder. "I'll… be waiting for you."

Jean once again set his hand on the side of Marco's face and slid his fingers through his hair.

"I'll come back," Jean said quietly, looking directly at Marco. Jean leaned in close and touched his forehead to Marco's temple, "I promise."

The two sat leaning against each other for a few moments, soaking in the peaceful evening breeze and their fingers laced together in silence. It was a drastic contrast to what was waiting outside the walls for Jean tomorrow, but at this moment he wanted to enjoy just being alone with Marco like this. It was disappointing to hear the usual evening bell.

"I guess you have to go…" Marco said softly.

"Or I can just skip dinner," Jean didn't make any effort to move from the spot.

Marco sat himself up straight causing Jean to lose the resting spot for his head, "You need… energy for tomorrow… no skipping meals," he lightly scolded with a slight smirk.

"I guess you're right…" Jean grumbled and stood himself up. "Do you want me to walk you back to your room?"

"No… I want to stay here longer. The nurse… will come get me," Marco looked up at Jean with a warm smile.

Jean lightly blushed at the thought that this guy giving him such a smile was now his. It was surreal but he was happy. Jean gave a quick look around him to make sure no one was around and leaned over to give Marco a quick kiss on the lips.

"I'll give you a better one when I get back…" Jean tried to play it cool but he knew his face had turned red.

Marco's cheeks were also flushed at the sudden action but gave a light chuckle, "I can't wait…"

**Author's Note:**

> The title is obviously from the song 'Lovesong' by The Cure. I was just listening to my music on shuffle one day and actually it was while I was in the middle of writing this that the song came on and thought a lyric from it would make a good title.
> 
> I apologize if there are any weird medical inaccuracies going on ehe... I am obviously not a medical person. And I like to think with my story, Marco doesn't get as badly injured as he does in canon (like in this fic, only up to his shoulder is bitten off) but either way it seems like it'd be hard to survive something like that especially way back then. But this is fiction and that's why it works out. Tadah!
> 
> I hope you liked it, this was kind of something I did on the fly but hopefully it was enjoyable.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
